Memoirs of a Melissa

Today I was as miserable as ever. Because today was the last official school day of my sophomore career. Truly, it wasn't that bad, but I really hate the words "last time," "over," "never again," and "goodbye," even though in about 65 days I'm going to be dragging myself back to the same place and doing the same things over again. But I'm deathly afraid of change, but what the heck can possibly change? And now I don't make sense.

Speaking of which, this entire year did not make sense to me. Since the last day of 6th Grade, I've written reflections of my school years (yes. I'm pretty lame.), and this year I did the same. But when I tried to summarize this year in words, all that came to me was "HUH?" I'm still just so confused and dazed. Hm maybe I'm being a little melodramatic.

But out of the huge blurry cloud of memories, the weirdest pop up. Like right now, I'm thinking about how I ticked the waiter guy off during formal. Something about water...sheesh, of all things. Now I'm picturing myself dozing off during Euro, my head angled towards the side so I wouldn't offend Mrs. K. Which makes me think about the AP exam and how I think I almost passed out after it because I held my breath writing the last essay in 10 minutes.

Flying volleyballs. An abusive coach making his girls cry. Freaking out when I thought I was late for PSATs because the door was inconveniently closed. Papers...lots and lots of papers, documents, notes, and a lack of notebooks. A nightmare of a locker. Intense algebra tests. Sitting on tables; Mr. Loh telling me to get off tables. Major stress. Sitting outside on the coldest nights of winter to paint or pray under a starry night sky. Confusion. Gossipping late into the night. Dropping baby bowling ball and lying on the grass during the All Dayer. Too much love. Watching the sunset and playing basketball while we should have been inside that stuffy room working. Worrying. Eight hour dress shopping. Playing a stuck up girl and a sold out theatre performance. Breaking that crucible in chem.

In the past 10 minutes, those are the incidents that pop into mind. Goodness gracious, this year was just indescribable for me. But it's not all the way over yet, so maybe I'll try then.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I'M BORED.

What a terrible way to start an entry.

I think this was the first weekend in MILLENIUMS that I had absolutely nothing to do. No homework. No FIRST, theatre, LEOS, Euro, project, or whatever meeting. No essays. No tests. I didn't even have to do laundry because the washing machine broke on Friday, and my dear mother did 5 loads this morning after it was fixed yesterday. Wow. Okay, there's like finals to study for, but still, like I can ever study for anything early. So instead, I went shopping for 6 hours, played hours of Alchemy, and spent the rest of my wonderful weekend wallowing in my bed. And the weather cooled down! If only all weekends were like this.

But then again, I'm ridiculously bored. So I don't know.

It's Very Hot, And I'm Bored.

[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
--Rudyard Kipling

Or a woman. This is my favorite poem; Jen read it for the poetry read. I remember first reading this poem in a Reader's Digest Inspirational book many many years ago, feeling so very inspired and emotional afterwards. I mean, it's a lot to live by, but I guess the point is more that we try. Anyhow, that guy was a literary genius!

Listening to the poem again made me think about what I want in my own daughter 10, 20, 30 years from now. Yeah seriously, it's not like I've matured to a point where I can actually talk about the desired virtues for future Mini Melissa; I haven't nailed anything in that poem at all, but I just can't help but think. That I want my daughter to grow up in a home where her parents love each other deeply and she never has to worry about them splitting up. I want my daughter to grow up not in a rich or poor household, but one where she learns how to be frugal, but that she would be comfortable. I want future Anne, Ava, or Leah to experience life to the absolute fullest, that she would never pass am opportunity because she is afraid to take risks. That she wouldn't be afraid of failure or hard work or confrontation or taxes or anything like that. I want my duaghter to develop a passion and goals early in life, unlike her mother, and work towards those goals so that she would feel she has a clear purpose in life. I want my daughter to love, fall in love, receive love, and give love, never selfish and never being too afraid of getting hurt. I want my daughter to find God and truly know Him, trust Him, and tell the whole world about Him. Basically, these are things that I hope for myself, but I truly wish for my future daughter since she would have an entire life to start from.

But HAH, a daughter?? Who am I kidding.

My Sister and I Were Creative This Year

Every year, my sister and I make our mother a last minute card for Mother's Day. This year, we got a little more spontaneous and made Mommy a last minute SONNET! Haha.

We Love Mommy

Ingenously we write this sonnet

With Avid hope it will make you smile.

Though we know we will always be in debt

To you, indeed, no doubt, it is worthwile.

For lucky we are to have you right here;

Curry, clean bathrooms, fun "dating advice,"

Love, and laughter we'll also have, but dear

Patient mother, never shall we take light

Your firm, caring efforts to make us right.

Like nagging us daily to take showers,

So we won't be funky; we know you care.

Yes, you're super woman with great powers

To bear with us as no mother would dare.

Love you Mommy! You are beyond compare.

FINALLY, I CAN BREATHE!

...and yell and scream and long for a retake on my AP EUROPEAN HISTORY EXAM. I swear I shall never take another AP History class as long as I live. Well, for now at least.

What I Shan't Do Next Year When I End Up in APUSH Anyway

• Reread the entire book.
• Start reading the book, shift to Cliffsnotes, then Princeton Review, and back to the book.
• Assume that the majority of the test will be on modern times. Omgosh.
• Not cram hours before test. It is better to cram. Really.
• Panic.
• Hold my breath while writing essays. I think I was going to faint after the test.

But I'm glad that's over with !

Don't walk ahead of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Someone Cool

I can't imagine living in a world without hope and laughter and friends and the ability to feel happy, sad, angry, embarassed, or whatever the emotions may be. I think I take for granted that I can feel...even though they're bad feelings. I mean, some people can't. I wonder, if those people are unable to feel emotions; I wonder if they can feel God's love.

And I wonder what I'm going to do for the rest of my life...

But for now, I'll just bask in the warm knowledge and reassurance that God's love is great and His mercies are never ending. Unconditional. No matther how many times I screw up; He'll always be there. Lifting us up.

-Everything usually works out in the end; that's what I hold on to.-